Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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