I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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