i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick