I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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