I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
