I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
