Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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