TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
