The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
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I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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