Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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