Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
