I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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