My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
