I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
