Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
