i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
