I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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