I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
