Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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