I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
