whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
50% drunk capacity currently
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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