Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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