at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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