Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
