I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
