Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
