this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
