this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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