I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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