I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
