Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
