Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
