Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
