you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
