I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
