Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
