I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
