Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
