I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
