Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
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I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
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I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You don't make any sense
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