My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
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Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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