So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
