Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
