Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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