My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
