So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
