oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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