Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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