I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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