i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You took a bar mat shot.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
