so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
