is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
