I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
