i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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