You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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