I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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