So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
FUCK WHALES
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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