i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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