OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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