so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
