I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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